Being Depressed And/Or Crazy
I had a good day at work, I finished late but thats no big deal, I had a good day yesterday, and the day before probably.
I'm ashamed to say I've just finished lying on the floor for the past 3 hours crying and I struggle to find any reason for it. It's as if theres a switch (and as uncanny as it sounds sometimes I think I can actually feel myself slipping), from stable mood to all out rocking back and forth in the corner crazy.
Why does this happen with seemingly no trigger?
I don't know, I don't know how I expect anyone else to understand (except maybe someone who goes through it as well). I don't know. I don't know.
Most of the time I have no control over it, and to have no say in how you're feeling is depressing in itself.
I feel alot of the time like a child, because I don't understand this. I think that people who know this side of me, however much they would like to forget it or wish they didn't in the first place, see me as a child also. A child who throws tantrums and gets themselves upset when theres no reason, when things don't go their way or when they want attention. Needless to say thats a pretty heavy burden and an even harder image to shake.
And no, I don't think its the case.
Knowing this hurts, more than I can express, more than anything. At the same time I know their point of view, I've been there too and I understand it and I can't really say I blame them for how they make sense of what they're seeing. They're good people, and I've pulled them into this mess so ultimately it's my fault and of my own doing. Still it hurts.
Paranoia. In every possible sense and about Everything, no matter how ridiculous, and even as I'm thinking it I know it's ridiculous.
No-one can see me in any way which I haven't already seen myself.
Nobody can hurt me more than I've already hurt myself, theres some comfort in that however twisted it seems.
I'm ashamed to say I've just finished lying on the floor for the past 3 hours crying and I struggle to find any reason for it. It's as if theres a switch (and as uncanny as it sounds sometimes I think I can actually feel myself slipping), from stable mood to all out rocking back and forth in the corner crazy.
Why does this happen with seemingly no trigger?
I don't know, I don't know how I expect anyone else to understand (except maybe someone who goes through it as well). I don't know. I don't know.
Most of the time I have no control over it, and to have no say in how you're feeling is depressing in itself.
I feel alot of the time like a child, because I don't understand this. I think that people who know this side of me, however much they would like to forget it or wish they didn't in the first place, see me as a child also. A child who throws tantrums and gets themselves upset when theres no reason, when things don't go their way or when they want attention. Needless to say thats a pretty heavy burden and an even harder image to shake.
And no, I don't think its the case.
Knowing this hurts, more than I can express, more than anything. At the same time I know their point of view, I've been there too and I understand it and I can't really say I blame them for how they make sense of what they're seeing. They're good people, and I've pulled them into this mess so ultimately it's my fault and of my own doing. Still it hurts.
Paranoia. In every possible sense and about Everything, no matter how ridiculous, and even as I'm thinking it I know it's ridiculous.
No-one can see me in any way which I haven't already seen myself.
Nobody can hurt me more than I've already hurt myself, theres some comfort in that however twisted it seems.
posted by louisa at 2:31 AM
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