Being Depressed And/Or Crazy

I had a good day at work, I finished late but thats no big deal, I had a good day yesterday, and the day before probably.

I'm ashamed to say I've just finished lying on the floor for the past 3 hours crying and I struggle to find any reason for it. It's as if theres a switch (and as uncanny as it sounds sometimes I think I can actually feel myself slipping), from stable mood to all out rocking back and forth in the corner crazy.
Why does this happen with seemingly no trigger?
I don't know, I don't know how I expect anyone else to understand (except maybe someone who goes through it as well). I don't know. I don't know.

Most of the time I have no control over it, and to have no say in how you're feeling is depressing in itself.
I feel alot of the time like a child, because I don't understand this. I think that people who know this side of me, however much they would like to forget it or wish they didn't in the first place, see me as a child also. A child who throws tantrums and gets themselves upset when theres no reason, when things don't go their way or when they want attention. Needless to say thats a pretty heavy burden and an even harder image to shake.
And no, I don't think its the case.
Knowing this hurts, more than I can express, more than anything. At the same time I know their point of view, I've been there too and I understand it and I can't really say I blame them for how they make sense of what they're seeing. They're good people, and I've pulled them into this mess so ultimately it's my fault and of my own doing. Still it hurts.

Paranoia. In every possible sense and about Everything, no matter how ridiculous, and even as I'm thinking it I know it's ridiculous.

No-one can see me in any way which I haven't already seen myself.
Nobody can hurt me more than I've already hurt myself, theres some comfort in that however twisted it seems.

Start Again

I wish that I could using blogging as a positive medium today, but seeing as how I can't stand my own compay today that doesn't seem likely.

I wish I wish I wish... I wish I could dance, I wish I was skinny (and I'm trying), I wish people thought as highly of me as I do of them, I wish I could stop drinking, I wish I hadn't consumed my supply of Stilnox in one night - and I wish I could remember what happened that night, I wish I was better Chef, daughter, sister, friend, person in general.

Right now though, it just seems futile.

Hallelujah

Today I had a revelation......

Most of the time when I'm with my friends I feel like the biggest dunce EVER...., and I couldn't feel more so unless I was made to wear the pointy hat and sit in the corner.
They always seem to know so much about everything; food, the world, religion (its not difficult to impress me with that though as I am somewhat un-religious), people, politics and in fact life in general.
Up until today I felt so backward, so lost and in short Stu-pid (capital s) and then I realised..... these people that I look up to, Jo, Emzee & Liz in particular - and who have always answered my inane questions and not made me feel stupid- have AT LEAST EIGHT YEARS ON ME. They've travelled the world and have families and all come from such different backgrounds to me..... of course I'm going to feel like I don't know so much around them.
Also the fact that they are all heaps smart contributes to this.

Come to think of it compared to the few people I know that are my age I'm not so dumb.

Further to this, here are some things I know that they may not..... (not that its a competition, but I'll feel better)

- when the song Khe Sanh (Cold Chisel, C.L.A.S.S.I.C) was released it was banned in South Australia

-Shakespeare invented the word 'bubbles'

- this ---> & <--- is called an ampersand

-ancient Egyptians used to use crushed up beetles for make-up

-up until the massacre at Port Arthur it was legal to own an AK-47 but illegal to be gay

- September 19 is International talk like a pirate day ... yar

- Greenland was not named so because it was green, it was named Greenland to trick people into thinking it was green and not horribly cold so they would go and settle there ......Genius

-the electric chair was invented by a dentist

It's not much, but it's mine

Update on 'Men..........Sigh'

It seems that ignoring them is the way to go.

I think its the same principal that works with cats..... when you don't want their attention they won't leave you alone, but if you want them near you they will have no part in it.

Trust me, it makes sense in my mind ..... kinda

Indifference

I'm not sure if I should admit this in public, but with the exception of my immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings and even pets) I am indifferent to people dying.

I'm not evil, I'm not heartless, it's not that I don't care, but for some reason unless I go to the funeral (where it's guaranteed I'll cry like a baby), I just.... I don't know, as much as I try there's nothing.
This confuses me because when it comes to pretty much anything else happening to someone or something eg; torture, breaking up with a partner, losing a job, losing a licence, being humiliated in public pretty much ANYTHING but death, I'm the most empathetic person I know, to the point where I physically feel ill for someone.

The reason I'm writing about this is that my aunt - my grandmothers aunt..... great aunt?, had a massive stroke last week and passed away on sunday. While I feel awful that she is gone because I remember her as being an awesome person, I can't cry for her, or anyone for that matter.

Maybe indifferent isn't the right word because I do care, but I just don't feel anything.
Is that possible?

Men.... (sigh)

For the past two years I have not had a boyfriend. And the ones I had before that were nothing to write home about, but they would probably say the smae thing about me so eh, it all evens out.
The point of this blog is... WHY CAN'T I FIND A BOYFRIEND???????

Except for the fact that I'm slightly insane (who am I trying to kid, I'm completely insane) I don't think I'm any different to all of the boyfriended people out there.
- I may be not as skinny and not as pretty as is socially acceptable, but I see fat ugly chicks with guys all the time!!!
- I can be (most of the time) a grump and a smart arse and not so nice as people are telling me scarily often (which I wouldn't admit to them but actually it kinda hurts) but I'm nice to people when I first meet them (and I don't think I'm any nastier than the people who keep telling me that I am)
- I am NOT a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that)
- Everytime I meet someone and it looks like there may be something..... nothing. Don't give me hope and then take it all away, thats just cruel
- With the exception of the creepy guy in the next kitchen (who I think came to his senses anyway- see above point-) nobody seems to want me :(

So..... what is wrong with me? Any suggestions are welcome

I Wish I Lived in The 1950's - Part Two

Clothes.
They had sensible but still relatively stylish clothes poodle skirts and blouses and shirts and trousers, not like these days with their weird puffy skirts which nobody looks good in and theirmassive sunglasses and their pants hanging halfway or sometime uncovering all of their behinds (actually sometimes I don't mind that ;).

Men.
I know that I already used this one in I Wish I Lived In The 1950's - Part One, but given the fact that I'm in a total slump in this department I'd like to use it again.
MEN SUCK!
In the 50's everyones paired up by the end of high school and THATS IT, no swapping. The boy takes the girl to their senior dance and thinks she looks swell even if she is a real dog and brings her a corsage (which I always thought was kinda daggy but each to their own, its the thought that counts) and then they dance, nicely, to good music and he says "Gee Wiz ..instert name here.. you're the prettiest girl at this dance" ..... again as I'm led to believe from the movies. Which brings me too.....

Dance.
I think this one is pretty obvious, even though it can be pretty full on, think grease / dirty dancing, their dancing was awesome. Enough said.

Values.
Girls in the 50's didn't skank around giving oral sex and hand jobs to every guy that came along. In fact I'm betting that even when they got married they weren't into any of that kinky shit... missionary all the way and seperate beds after their 2 children (one boy one girl) were born.
It's not an original point but with the introduction of all this technology and more money and whatever else everyones morals decreased significantly.
They weren't putting nearly naked or sometimes completely naked chicks on billboards and advertising drugs for erectile dysfunction were they? NO

........Theres a reason that they called a tv show about the 50's Happy Days ........

PARANOID

Heres the thing, not that I'm bragging but I'm good at my job. As most people know I love my job, its Crown..... where else can I use ridiculous amounts of gold leaf and get to make giant croquembouche and use $130 bottles of rum and make cakes for famous dudes?

Like some people I know (Michelle...) I don't have alot of faith in my skills as a pastry chef, however, this past week my chef de cuisine said really good things to me about my work and seeing as nobody really cares but me I WILL brag about it here - he wants to promte me but because of budget stuff he can't until march or april but he doesn't want me to be looking around elsewhere because HE WANTS ME TO STAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, plus he said I make nice flowers and after that you couldnt wipe the smile off my face :) ( :
(I'm the only person I know that can make one sentence a whole paragraph)

So anyway heres the rub... I've worked really really hard and put in alot of time and effort to be a good chef but; I feel like a fraud. I feel like at any moment he's going to realise that I'm not what he thought I was, that I don't know as much as i should, that I'm not as creative as he thought, that I'm just bossing people around rather than organising what needs to be done, that I'm going to disappoint him. And seeing as he has confidence in me; and also because theres at least one other chef there that he has the same aspirations for (who I don't feel like I'm in competition with but whom I have some degree of admiration for) if what I'm paranoid about actually happens its going to suck, big time.
The thing is, I'm not actually sure about it all. Am I as good as he thinks, or do I really know a whole lot of nothing or am I just sabotaging myself?
HELP!