Life Is Crazy

It's strange how small things can dramatically change the way you feel.
I've started starting (...?) work at 8am instead of 6 which sounds good but it actually kind of sucks. Instead of finishing at 2 when theres still some sun and nearly half a day left, I finish at 4 when it's getting dark and the day is nearly done; and I feel so awful and drained and just bad.

Then it goes to the other extreme, I'm having a shower and getting ready to go to bed, feeling pretty average but decide to check my e-mails and check some other blogs, and I have mail from two overseas friends that I may never see again and that I haven't heard from in ages ... try wiping the smile off my face. Small things like that..... knowing that people remember you and have thought of you, are the best things. Small things are the best things.

(Also I watched Batman this morning, the Queen of Diamonds (villainess) tried to have Batman and Robin turned into toads, and they almost had Commissioner Gordon and Police Chief O'Hara (yep, I know their names) fooled with two toads dressed in full costume, they even had masks AND Queen of Diamonds' sidekick using his master ventriloquism skills to do Batman and Robins voices ... truly a classic episode)

It's not so easy being me sometimes

Although it might appear that way, it's really not. I don't want to bitch and complain for a whole page about how terrible it is to be me so I'll just make it half a page.
I feel misunderstood alot of the time, I appear naiive and I know I act immature sometimes, but thats just to counteract all the heavy shit thats going on in my head and in my life in general.
I'm not being abused by my parents or anything but I don't get along with one of them, my sister has moved away to live with someone elses family and I miss her, it's no fun living with my brother. It's not that my family don't love me, they just think I'm a bitch which is true, I can't get away from that label and its easy for them to blame me for shit that goes on. Then there's work, school, and all the problems that everybody else deals with.

The thing that is killing me though is that I can't say any of this to anybody, at least not in person. I've never been able to tell anybody whats going on in my head, I've been to councillors and psychiatrists and I just can't do it. I'm not sure if it's because I don't trust them or because I feel like I'm being judged by them (I always feel like I'm being judged, even by people I consider close friends, family) or what it is, but I just can't.

When I was about 8 I stopped sleeping properly, about 3 years later they told me I had depression and insomnia. At 21 not alot has changed, except I have more stuff to worry about, I'm worried I'm going crazy, that I'll be alone forever, that I'll be stuck like I am forever, that I'll never achieve anything.
I know that nobodys life is perfect and that everybody has stuff to deal with but I don't want to be me anymore.